Africa

I want to go to Africa,but why? I need to answers the why.
Is it a calling?
Or am I running away from life?
Do I want to leave the country in an attempt to leave behind everything that I know and find myself an actual adventure?
Am I trying to impress someone?
Is it truly because I want to help?
Do I want to go just because I don't love America the way that most Americans do?
Does God want me there?

I do know that:
I want adventure.
I'm afraid of being stuck.
I don't love America.
I hate how I have so much, while others in the world have nothing.
I hate that I know little to nothing of what else is happening in the world.
I'm restless.
I know that God calls his children to go off into the world, and spread his word.
I want to share Gods love, that love he's been overwhelming me so wonderfully with.

I wonder sometimes why I'm here. Why am sitting in a community college instead of studying music at a big University. Then I find myself dreaming of doing other things. Like the mission trip to Haiti.. I know I couldn't afford to do that at all if I were currently paying to go to a University.. instead of paying nothing for my schooling, and Africa.. shoot I couldn't even dream of Africa for three months if I were dedicating all of my time and my finances to college.
So maybe that's why I'm still here? because I do feel as though I am where I belong... but I feel restless too. I should be leaving soon. Time is ticking away, I expect to find myself somewhere far away very soon, but why?

Yea... why?
I feel awkward saying it's a calling. I don't "know" that it is. I just know that I WANT to go. I don't know how to tell if i want to go for my own reasons, or if I want to go because God put the desire in me. Who am I to say what God wants, like I know.. I'm pretty clueless. I know what I want... I want to go to Africa and do something for Gods Kingdom in Africa. But is that in line with what God wants with my life?

I will pray for wisdom, guidance, and some way to know where God wants me.

Poem

My radio hums as the CD spins,
The tales owl city tells about to begin.
The CD you gave me with clever tricks,
Weaves memories and dreams into a strange mix.
Nameable emotions are running few,
As I hear the sweet music and Think of You.

Taking a deep breath of the summer air,
I watch the sunset with it's colors so rare.
My heart bleeds to share all that I'm seeing,
With you sunsets create a grand evening.
Proverbial feelings rise and breakthrough
As the moon becomes clear; I find I Miss You.

My covers are warm as I pull them tight,
Putting myself to bed without your goodnight.
I close my lids to see your dark eyes,
Feel your lips, your arms, and your haunting goodbyes.
No soul can get you as much as I do.
Selfish desires tell me that I want you.

Broken I'd be as I lay in your arms,
I remember you'd protect me from life's harms.
My battle is full of orcs and dark wraiths,
but you're my Aragorn, in you I have faith,
In war you'll win if you don't go askew,
I'm a fair maiden; I Desperately Need You.

You surpass the most handsome prince charming,
Knights in shining armor find you alarming.
Your eyes read in me what most seem to miss,
The sweetest sensation is shamed by your kiss.
I open my eyes and I find it true,
When I think or dream, I realize I Love You...

Falling

You're walking on a tightrope, an emotional tightrope, a physical metaphorical tightrope. Every feeling you have is so thin. You feel worthless and lame, you're a box or spirals, each individual and intricate, yet you're just a box, simple and boring, taking up far more empty space than you need to. You get the feeling in the depth of you the you're supposed to be far more than that, but you can't break past that thick boxy shell. You push yourself, doing far more than time allows, yet you feel as though you're not doing nearly enough. You feel like people who look at you can't see you, they can't feel what they need to feel to understand. Your tightrope is thin and about to snap. How lonely you'll feel as you're falling. Falling..

Easter

This day, Easter, is a day to remind us of the greatest event known to man kind, the resurrection of Jesus Christ. If the story of Jesus was such that Jesus was born a blessed and Godly man, who lived his life for God and taught his ways and died a martyr's death for the God that he loved and served, and then was buried in his tomb as a holy man, with his earthly story ending there, Christianity would be an empty religion.

There would be no hope for man kind. Death would still have the upper hand. Blood would still have to be shed for the atoning of sins. Satan would have conquered Jesus, and stopped his plan for the salvation of man.

That is not how the story goes though.

Jesus is more than a man Blessed by God. He was simply born into this world, he was sent from his rightful throne in heaven. He more than lived his life for God, for he was God living his life for us. He was enduring the trials and tribulations of man kind, the rejection and the hatred coming from those he loved, and the denial of the ones who said they loved him. Jesus did not died because of who he believed in, but because of who he was. He was the Son of God, the Blessed Lamb, the Perfect Sacrifice.

In the "end" Jesus' life wasn't simply taken from him. He LET himself be KILLED. More brutally than many of us can even fathom in our day and age. Jesus willingly took on the burden of the sins of every man to walk this earth, a burden he did not deserve and gave up his spirit as his Father turned his face away from his only son, whom he loved so deeply.



I praise the Lord that the His story doesn't end there. A dead man has no power, and that is why Easter is so special to me, and why it deserves to be more special to all. Jesus being God, had and has power of the grave. Death, the final holding room of everyman was not strong enough to hold in Jesus. That is why Christianity is a religion worth living. For our God is a living God. Our Jesus is not just a martyr who we can appreciate, but a living man who we can have a relationship with, and spend an eternity with.



I'm sure many know the Easter story inside out, but most, myself included don't appreciate it enough. We owe everything to Our God. Everyday of our life belongs to him. He gave his life for us, he defeated the grave for us. He loves us more than we can know how to love.

I wish everyday I would think about Jesus' sacrifice for me, maybe then I could truely begin to live my life as my life should be lived, for Jesus, not for myself.



Thank you Lord Jesus. I can never thank you enough for what you have done for me. Thank you for suffering for my sins so that I might not have to, so that I might be able to join you in eternity some day. Thank you for not resting in the tomb, but coming back and defeating death so that the filthy sinners of the world may have life. There is no more merciful of a god than you, no more powerful, and no more ALIVE than the God that I serve.

Thank you, I love you.

Walls of Love

I feel as though I'm being trapped in a box with the walls thickly weaved with Love. In every direction there is some form of someone loving me stopping me from doing something that I want to do, or trying to break free.
All my life I've seen Graduation as a time to heal my clipped wings and learn to fly, but now that high school is coming to an end I feel like that's the polar opposite of what is happening. My clipped wings don't seem to be healing, they seem to be scarring and growing heavier. They aren't lifting me high above the horizon, they're anchoring me to only what I've known.
My heart is telling me that there's a world beyond what I can see, new planes to discover, new people to meet, but my life, that love that is surrounding me is putting up walls that block out the new sun that I have yet to see. The Love that's protecting me is shielding my eyes from the stars I've yet to count. There are friends in the world whose names I'm yet to learn, love in the lands I am yet to experience, and stories that as still to be written.
But there's a box that's pushing the day of my beginning far from the day of the ending that is to come. A box that is loving.. a box that is stiffling me.

Dearest Dream,

Walk, hike and climb, through the trees you know so well, you'll find your safe haven, silence your artificial melodies and leave your ties to the world behind.

Then just keep walking, and walking,until you don't recognize the songs the birds sing. then run. Run until the trees have an enchanted glow so strong you can feel them in the inner most cores of your bones. Close your eyes. Feel the trees all around, see them with your minds eye.

Take a step into the depth of the world you just discovered. That's when you'll see it. a dream catcher. So delicately woven with silken thread, created to catch the most fragile of dreams, the the sweetest memories of the subconscious. Fear not it's majestic shimmer, take it in the palm of your hand, don't hesitate, it's our last chance. Hold it to your heart. Hold it, press it to you until it becomes a part of you, a vibrant emblem on your chest. Cleanse your soul with a deep sigh and jump.

What you'll see you've never seen before. All the precious dreams of ones before flying past you, let them, please let them fly. You'll see yourself small broken and falling. Fall, please fall. When you see me know I'll catch you I'll put you back together. Each piece of you will lay as it should. Except your heart. I've been saving mine. You can have it, if I can have yours.

Open your eyes when you feel my familiar lips on yours, and you can take my hand and I'll take you through the door, for I've found it.

The world I told you of, the one in my dreams, just over from ours, where your heart can beat in me, and mine in you. Where our souls can embrace, and our hearts clasp. My kiss will be a shameless sensation, sweeter than you ever knew, all for you my dear.

Please come, please hurry. As wonderful as this world is, it's only dark and scary without you. I grow cold as I wait. Come, warm me with your touch. I miss you. Please darling, love can be ours if you close your eyes and jump into this dream with me. This more than marvelous dream of ours.

Love,
Your Dreamer.

What I learned in 2010

You need not a handsome hand to hold to be all that you can be.
Alls complete and Beautiful in everything you see.
Your worth is not what they're eyes can see upon your face.
It's how you take this life and how you win the race.
They don't have to hand you pretty words to make your day.
For there's little value in anything they say.
There is more to you than eyes dare to behold.
You are a story that's waiting to be told.
If you stand with your own two feet firmly on the ground.
Your strength and power will conquer everyone around.