You need not a handsome hand to hold to be all that you can be.
Alls complete and Beautiful in everything you see.
Your worth is not what they're eyes can see upon your face.
It's how you take this life and how you win the race.
They don't have to hand you pretty words to make your day.
For there's little value in anything they say.
There is more to you than eyes dare to behold.
You are a story that's waiting to be told.
If you stand with your own two feet firmly on the ground.
Your strength and power will conquer everyone around.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Change
Today... was a hard day.
Today I did not have a beautiful rehearsal to look forward to, I do not feel an anticipation for the year to come. I can not make plans for myself and my friends. My plans are my own.
Today I did not go out for a lovely walk under the stars, I did not share a delicious cup of hot cocoa. I did not eat fast food on a random craving.
Today I did not pour out my heart to my heart. I did not turn a page in my emotions and my maturity.
Today... was a much better day.
Today I healed my heart, rather than broke it. I raked through truths, rather than lived in lies.
Today I cried with a friend, I laughed with a friend. I let our hearts break together. We let ourselves say goodbye together.
Today I collected pieces of my life, rather than create more pieces to collect.
A lot can change in a year. A lot has changed in a year. To look back to this day in that year, it has a different feel. I know that this day in the year to come will be a day that I will have to embrace as the plans for that day can't be fathomed.
So much can change in a year, I know that changes that have passed can't stand beside the changes to come.
All that change is, all that change is going to be.. Yet somethings really will never change, Somethings I hope never change. Somethings I know I will look back on break when I see they have changed.
I can't fathom change. I can't wait for change. I can't look to change. I can't resist change.
Change is coming, Change is in the air.
Today I did not have a beautiful rehearsal to look forward to, I do not feel an anticipation for the year to come. I can not make plans for myself and my friends. My plans are my own.
Today I did not go out for a lovely walk under the stars, I did not share a delicious cup of hot cocoa. I did not eat fast food on a random craving.
Today I did not pour out my heart to my heart. I did not turn a page in my emotions and my maturity.
Today... was a much better day.
Today I healed my heart, rather than broke it. I raked through truths, rather than lived in lies.
Today I cried with a friend, I laughed with a friend. I let our hearts break together. We let ourselves say goodbye together.
Today I collected pieces of my life, rather than create more pieces to collect.
A lot can change in a year. A lot has changed in a year. To look back to this day in that year, it has a different feel. I know that this day in the year to come will be a day that I will have to embrace as the plans for that day can't be fathomed.
So much can change in a year, I know that changes that have passed can't stand beside the changes to come.
All that change is, all that change is going to be.. Yet somethings really will never change, Somethings I hope never change. Somethings I know I will look back on break when I see they have changed.
I can't fathom change. I can't wait for change. I can't look to change. I can't resist change.
Change is coming, Change is in the air.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The Sound of Music.
It's the last week of my senior musical.
I've done every Musical since 7th grade.
These musicals are how I met my best friends.
I Don't knwo where I would be if it weren't for these musicals.
Each year, it teaches me something more. It teaches me how to budget my time, how convey a story, how to be someone else, how to be myself, how to be proud of all I am.
I have myself almost in tears as I write this. I know by the end I will probably flood the keyboard I'm typing on.
I from Annie to the Sound of Music. These years of acting and songs have nothing but blessed all that I am.
The musical has always been the highlight of my year. Starting each year with excitment, and a feeling of accomplishment.
I can just feel it now, The feeling of the lights as the curtain opens. The Rush of knowing the whole rooms eyes are on me as I sing to them as the story progresses.
To sing and dance. Convey passion, pain and joy to the audience.
This is my last year. I have finally figured out the system of the stage, I have the feel of that floor, those lights, that room in my blood. And this is my last year I will preform on that stage. That dear small, but beautiful stage.
This is the last year that I will act with those friends that I have been acting with for 6 years now.... We have been just a team. Working hard to get to where we are. I can just feel the excitment of my sophomore year. The Year we were the underdogs. We were places parall to the seniors. We had alot to live up to, and did we ever live up to it!! Through the story of Fiddler on the Roof we learned to love, we learned to laugh. We said good bye. We shed tears, and we looked forward to that year in the future when it would be our show. When we would rule that cast. Our Senior show, it seemed so far away, sooo special. But now it's here. We're running the show like we thought we would. Putting it all together, getting little sleep to make sure we have everything, and enjoying every second of it.
It will soon be over though.. I can't wrap my mind around it. Before I know it we will be standing on that stage taking a bow. Tears running down our cheeks as we not only say good bye to Austria as The Van Trapp family, but also to the Musicals.
The Musical.... These musicals have made me who I am today.
I get to go up there and be Liesl Van Trapp, with my family. Not just my Van Trapp family, but my musical family. We have sung and danced together, fought and cried, laughed and loved together. It's been amazing. I love you all with every ounce of myself.
Thinking about annie, my mind is baffled, I was the little one, that looked up to all the seniors. The Seniors I remember soo well that probably don't even knwo who I am anymore.
Going back to Joseph, OH! I learned sooo much! I met new people! Those seventh grade boys that came up behind us! How amazing they are! Those voices!
Music man, we were beginning to leave our mark. Fightign to grow our parts, our passion. Putting so much time and energy! Forming friendships.
Dearest Fiddler. We were the underdogs. The cast that was supposed to be the weak link. We were all young, Mostly freshman and sophomores. I almost didn't do fiddler. I thank the lord that I did. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't. I was Yente! I babbling Old lady with an amazing Senior double to help me through.
Junior year was Babes in Arms. I learned to be myself. I learned to love. It was an amazing year! I wonderful show. I fought many battles, overcame soo many things. Babes in Arms.
Sound of Music. This show has been unlike any other show. But it has been amazing. I get to act with my best friends, side by side. In a family. I get to act and sing with a my nazi. A dear friend, that is a dear friend because of the musical.
I Don't know what I would do with out any of my ''play" friends. They are amazing.
I'm Going to miss this show, and all the shows in the past. I can't believe all we've done, all we're leaving behind, and all that's to come for up. I'm sooo excited.
It will be amazing. I hope to see you there!
I've done every Musical since 7th grade.
These musicals are how I met my best friends.
I Don't knwo where I would be if it weren't for these musicals.
Each year, it teaches me something more. It teaches me how to budget my time, how convey a story, how to be someone else, how to be myself, how to be proud of all I am.
I have myself almost in tears as I write this. I know by the end I will probably flood the keyboard I'm typing on.
I from Annie to the Sound of Music. These years of acting and songs have nothing but blessed all that I am.
The musical has always been the highlight of my year. Starting each year with excitment, and a feeling of accomplishment.
I can just feel it now, The feeling of the lights as the curtain opens. The Rush of knowing the whole rooms eyes are on me as I sing to them as the story progresses.
To sing and dance. Convey passion, pain and joy to the audience.
This is my last year. I have finally figured out the system of the stage, I have the feel of that floor, those lights, that room in my blood. And this is my last year I will preform on that stage. That dear small, but beautiful stage.
This is the last year that I will act with those friends that I have been acting with for 6 years now.... We have been just a team. Working hard to get to where we are. I can just feel the excitment of my sophomore year. The Year we were the underdogs. We were places parall to the seniors. We had alot to live up to, and did we ever live up to it!! Through the story of Fiddler on the Roof we learned to love, we learned to laugh. We said good bye. We shed tears, and we looked forward to that year in the future when it would be our show. When we would rule that cast. Our Senior show, it seemed so far away, sooo special. But now it's here. We're running the show like we thought we would. Putting it all together, getting little sleep to make sure we have everything, and enjoying every second of it.
It will soon be over though.. I can't wrap my mind around it. Before I know it we will be standing on that stage taking a bow. Tears running down our cheeks as we not only say good bye to Austria as The Van Trapp family, but also to the Musicals.
The Musical.... These musicals have made me who I am today.
I get to go up there and be Liesl Van Trapp, with my family. Not just my Van Trapp family, but my musical family. We have sung and danced together, fought and cried, laughed and loved together. It's been amazing. I love you all with every ounce of myself.
Thinking about annie, my mind is baffled, I was the little one, that looked up to all the seniors. The Seniors I remember soo well that probably don't even knwo who I am anymore.
Going back to Joseph, OH! I learned sooo much! I met new people! Those seventh grade boys that came up behind us! How amazing they are! Those voices!
Music man, we were beginning to leave our mark. Fightign to grow our parts, our passion. Putting so much time and energy! Forming friendships.
Dearest Fiddler. We were the underdogs. The cast that was supposed to be the weak link. We were all young, Mostly freshman and sophomores. I almost didn't do fiddler. I thank the lord that I did. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't. I was Yente! I babbling Old lady with an amazing Senior double to help me through.
Junior year was Babes in Arms. I learned to be myself. I learned to love. It was an amazing year! I wonderful show. I fought many battles, overcame soo many things. Babes in Arms.
Sound of Music. This show has been unlike any other show. But it has been amazing. I get to act with my best friends, side by side. In a family. I get to act and sing with a my nazi. A dear friend, that is a dear friend because of the musical.
I Don't know what I would do with out any of my ''play" friends. They are amazing.
I'm Going to miss this show, and all the shows in the past. I can't believe all we've done, all we're leaving behind, and all that's to come for up. I'm sooo excited.
It will be amazing. I hope to see you there!
Monday, September 27, 2010
I can see that light.
Through tearless eyes I can finally see that light.
At the end of this tunnel.
They always told me that there was a light.
Tears always flooded my vision.
Though it's small, and hard to find,
I know now there's a light.
The dams have been built.
No rivers will flow any longer.
For they are built of callused emotions
Blessed are the days when tears don't flow,
After lessons are learned,
And when Summits have been conquered.
I shall not forget no mountain stands alone,
And strength comes with every valley left behind.
Strength that glows past the dark surrounding walls,
Lessons that light the flame for the light to burn,
It burns as I see the end of this tunnel.
I will soak in the peace of tearless days,
I will stand at the end quite Proudly.
Through tearless eyes I can finally see that light.
At the end of this tunnel.
They always told me that there was a light.
Tears always flooded my vision.
Though it's small, and hard to find,
I know now there's a light.
The dams have been built.
No rivers will flow any longer.
For they are built of callused emotions
Blessed are the days when tears don't flow,
After lessons are learned,
And when Summits have been conquered.
I shall not forget no mountain stands alone,
And strength comes with every valley left behind.
Strength that glows past the dark surrounding walls,
Lessons that light the flame for the light to burn,
It burns as I see the end of this tunnel.
I will soak in the peace of tearless days,
I will stand at the end quite Proudly.
I began to write this months ago. I found that I had not actually found the light that I was speaking of. I had found that the light did exist though. But not things don't feel quite the same as they did when I began to write this, thus the change in the voice that I see once entering the 3rd stanza.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Walking Thoughts
Thoughts I have while walking...
While I walk I play the, "whats their life like" game. I look into each car until I get distracted, first to check if I know them, then second to get a snap shot in my head of a possible life, or a favorite memory of that person. Completely made up of course.
Example, When I see an elderly couple I imagine how they might have met. They were high school sweethearts. He would swoon after her swept her off her feet, they would take walks on the beach under the lovely sunset. Maybe my mind will travel and see their big fight, she's in the bed room crying, and he's in the kitchen fuming, until they both realize no matter their problems in life they love each other, and they must make it through that fight, because they could not make it through life with out each other, and end in each others arms begging forgiveness.
After that picture snaps through my mind at lightning speed I see a daddy with a little girl, I see the first day he held his beautiful girl in his arms, and the future they will have when that daddy will give his baby girl away to the man she falls in love with.
Then my mind goes to more personal things. My heart tries to figure out it's love, and who it could love. I look all the guys I know, flying through a check list. I decide that's only depressing and I'll just close my eyes and let God surprise me with the perfect guy.
I get distracted by my music. I'm listening to Owl City.
"when we're apart whatever are you thinking of?"
I the lyrics that out of context. What are people thinking right now. All those people in my life are off doing something. They don't simply stop existing when I can't see them, they are a person that is all the time. They have thoughts just as I do, they have life, they have dreams. They are constantly doing something even if only simply breathing.
My mind settles to a gentle hum, listening to the world, watching a leaf fall, wishing for vibrant colors to paint the world, or for a snow flake to fall on my cheek. I'm done with heat and summer. I wish for winter, and the tingling of the cold on my nose, and my warm fuzzy mittens, winter coat, long sleaves, and tall socks. Hot Chocolate and Christmas, winter walks, and pink cheeks. I love winter. Winter has my heart.
I began this walk because I almost frustrated myself into tears. I took a Calculus test after school. Oh how much I love calculus. I love math. I love how you can figure it out, how this is a right and wrong, it's black and white, it is what it is, but it is something else, but it can't just be something simply because it feels like it. As much as I love Calc though, it angers me. Well no, it does not anger me, I anger me when I'm doing Calc. It has rules that make it work, almost like magic, but yet I can't remember the spells, the rules, the laws and codes.
The breezes blows the feelings of frustration and burning from my cheek bones and the front of my shoulders. Stress seeps from my pores under the burning sun. How lovely of a day the Lord has given me today. How wonderfully he has mapped my life to work in this world that he's created, organized and loved.
How wonderful. He's so sweet, I think I'll love him with my all and everything. :)
While I walk I play the, "whats their life like" game. I look into each car until I get distracted, first to check if I know them, then second to get a snap shot in my head of a possible life, or a favorite memory of that person. Completely made up of course.
Example, When I see an elderly couple I imagine how they might have met. They were high school sweethearts. He would swoon after her swept her off her feet, they would take walks on the beach under the lovely sunset. Maybe my mind will travel and see their big fight, she's in the bed room crying, and he's in the kitchen fuming, until they both realize no matter their problems in life they love each other, and they must make it through that fight, because they could not make it through life with out each other, and end in each others arms begging forgiveness.
After that picture snaps through my mind at lightning speed I see a daddy with a little girl, I see the first day he held his beautiful girl in his arms, and the future they will have when that daddy will give his baby girl away to the man she falls in love with.
Then my mind goes to more personal things. My heart tries to figure out it's love, and who it could love. I look all the guys I know, flying through a check list. I decide that's only depressing and I'll just close my eyes and let God surprise me with the perfect guy.
I get distracted by my music. I'm listening to Owl City.
"when we're apart whatever are you thinking of?"
I the lyrics that out of context. What are people thinking right now. All those people in my life are off doing something. They don't simply stop existing when I can't see them, they are a person that is all the time. They have thoughts just as I do, they have life, they have dreams. They are constantly doing something even if only simply breathing.
My mind settles to a gentle hum, listening to the world, watching a leaf fall, wishing for vibrant colors to paint the world, or for a snow flake to fall on my cheek. I'm done with heat and summer. I wish for winter, and the tingling of the cold on my nose, and my warm fuzzy mittens, winter coat, long sleaves, and tall socks. Hot Chocolate and Christmas, winter walks, and pink cheeks. I love winter. Winter has my heart.
I began this walk because I almost frustrated myself into tears. I took a Calculus test after school. Oh how much I love calculus. I love math. I love how you can figure it out, how this is a right and wrong, it's black and white, it is what it is, but it is something else, but it can't just be something simply because it feels like it. As much as I love Calc though, it angers me. Well no, it does not anger me, I anger me when I'm doing Calc. It has rules that make it work, almost like magic, but yet I can't remember the spells, the rules, the laws and codes.
The breezes blows the feelings of frustration and burning from my cheek bones and the front of my shoulders. Stress seeps from my pores under the burning sun. How lovely of a day the Lord has given me today. How wonderfully he has mapped my life to work in this world that he's created, organized and loved.
How wonderful. He's so sweet, I think I'll love him with my all and everything. :)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Desk
I put a desk up in my room.
I feel so big, and grown up with it in my room. I know that probably sounds completely silly, but having a place to put myself when I want to write, or when I want to read, or do my devotions. Now I will have a place to be. A place that's hidden behind my door, but not my bed, where I tend to fall asleep. I feel like my productivity will increase for this coming school year. with a station to put myself at. To work, or not to. I'll have a place to take out my sketch pad and sketch, or pull out some paints and hide while I work on making something beautiful. No TV distractions. No clock other than my phone, or computer. Things I have to diliberately look at to find the time. Where I won't be pestered. I can keep my back straight, use this desk to begin to pull myself back together. To soften the shock of the world I'm trying so hard to enter gracefully.
A Place a can either stress about entering the world, through college and such, or a place I can forget about entering college. I feel like this one singular peice of furniture is magical in so many ways. A haven of sorts. I need a haven. We all need havens. Havens show up in the strangest of places.
I feel so big, and grown up with it in my room. I know that probably sounds completely silly, but having a place to put myself when I want to write, or when I want to read, or do my devotions. Now I will have a place to be. A place that's hidden behind my door, but not my bed, where I tend to fall asleep. I feel like my productivity will increase for this coming school year. with a station to put myself at. To work, or not to. I'll have a place to take out my sketch pad and sketch, or pull out some paints and hide while I work on making something beautiful. No TV distractions. No clock other than my phone, or computer. Things I have to diliberately look at to find the time. Where I won't be pestered. I can keep my back straight, use this desk to begin to pull myself back together. To soften the shock of the world I'm trying so hard to enter gracefully.
A Place a can either stress about entering the world, through college and such, or a place I can forget about entering college. I feel like this one singular peice of furniture is magical in so many ways. A haven of sorts. I need a haven. We all need havens. Havens show up in the strangest of places.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Day by Step; Step by Day
Life goes by day by day, whether you wish it to or not.
Each day is a step. Each person takes a step at a time.
Some days you want to stop stepping, and stay in that place in time for ever, but day by day time goes on, and stepping you continue forward.
Some days you want to skip a step or two, and leap into the days to come, but patience is demanded, and stepping, one by one, you continue on.
Some days you wish to turn, avoid what stands before you. You continue forward,only turning as sharply as time allows. brushed on the shoulder by the branches of the tragedy as step by step you walk by.
Some days you wish to take steps backwards. To go back to a lovely field you walked through, or to wander through a romantic forest. To reminis on the steps before., but you must keep moving forward, each foot in front of the other, one by one, day by day.
When you get tired of stepping, there is not stopping. No rest for your legs, and each day must continue past. You need strong arms to carry you; some to know when you really can't continue. Arms of a savior. A savior with wisdom to remind you the past is not worth returning too. A savior with eyes, that can look past the mountain you're climbing and say, "I can see it, it's beautiful." With a hand to hold as the shadows of the woods enclose around you in the middle of the night. A savior like Christ Jesus, to give you a reason to step forward, to keep moving every day.
Each day is a step. Each person takes a step at a time.
Some days you want to stop stepping, and stay in that place in time for ever, but day by day time goes on, and stepping you continue forward.
Some days you want to skip a step or two, and leap into the days to come, but patience is demanded, and stepping, one by one, you continue on.
Some days you wish to turn, avoid what stands before you. You continue forward,only turning as sharply as time allows. brushed on the shoulder by the branches of the tragedy as step by step you walk by.
Some days you wish to take steps backwards. To go back to a lovely field you walked through, or to wander through a romantic forest. To reminis on the steps before., but you must keep moving forward, each foot in front of the other, one by one, day by day.
When you get tired of stepping, there is not stopping. No rest for your legs, and each day must continue past. You need strong arms to carry you; some to know when you really can't continue. Arms of a savior. A savior with wisdom to remind you the past is not worth returning too. A savior with eyes, that can look past the mountain you're climbing and say, "I can see it, it's beautiful." With a hand to hold as the shadows of the woods enclose around you in the middle of the night. A savior like Christ Jesus, to give you a reason to step forward, to keep moving every day.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Just Breathe
Just breathe. Life isn't as complicated as they say. So it's not as perfect as in the movies. No simple romance, or a heartbreak free love story, but it will some day seem like the story you always dreamed it to be. If you promise me that you'll just breathe. Don't fret about the nights you lie awake worrying, worry in your days when you can save the world, one phone call at a time. Don't hold on to the lies, stop wishing them true. Take a step back, take a deep breath. You may not have the love of those you once did, but you have love from the people sitting around the dinner table of your life. So the ones at the party were only there to have a good time. The table is set for game night. Laughter and no false promises.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Colors
The color is purple. You tell me the color is blue. You simply "forget" to mention it's blue with a little bit of red in the mix. I believe you. You didn't lie. You're golden! No lies.
I am beginning to realize that my life is being peppered with people like this. The people that read it are not likely to realize that it is them, they really believe the color is blue, even if their eyes say purple.
They are not seen as liers. Just people that are attempting to go through their everyday life, not looking into the aspect of the other people around them, and not finding the whole truth completely necessary, because there is blue in the color.
With the whole truth they may be seen as shallow, or there may be wrong in what they're doing. It's okay though, because the color is blue.
They don't need to care if the half truths that they're telling are hurting people because the whole truth is that nothing matters but them, because this world so OBVIOUSLY revolves around them. The color is blue.
You swear the color is blue. Well, may I remind you of your promise that it'd be the color orange? Where's the yellow? I see the red, even though there is no red in blue, because you know, the color IS blue. But even if the color is blue, you promised me there'd be yellow. Yellow with red, You promised me orange. Now You tell me that it's blue, when it's so obviously purple. I know it's purple, don't deny the reds, fork over the yellows.
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. I want Orange, here's some Purple back for you.
I am beginning to realize that my life is being peppered with people like this. The people that read it are not likely to realize that it is them, they really believe the color is blue, even if their eyes say purple.
They are not seen as liers. Just people that are attempting to go through their everyday life, not looking into the aspect of the other people around them, and not finding the whole truth completely necessary, because there is blue in the color.
With the whole truth they may be seen as shallow, or there may be wrong in what they're doing. It's okay though, because the color is blue.
They don't need to care if the half truths that they're telling are hurting people because the whole truth is that nothing matters but them, because this world so OBVIOUSLY revolves around them. The color is blue.
You swear the color is blue. Well, may I remind you of your promise that it'd be the color orange? Where's the yellow? I see the red, even though there is no red in blue, because you know, the color IS blue. But even if the color is blue, you promised me there'd be yellow. Yellow with red, You promised me orange. Now You tell me that it's blue, when it's so obviously purple. I know it's purple, don't deny the reds, fork over the yellows.
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. I want Orange, here's some Purple back for you.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Senior
My thoughts today are not as abstract or twisted as they usually are. Okay, maybe that's not quite true, I have multiple times threaten to eat a persons soul, or death by SHELOB! These are not the thoughts that I choose to examine tonight though. I'm not sure if I could, they lack substance. They are exactly what you just read and nothing more, so I suppose I just did.
That's all beside the point that I was planning on making when I began writing this though... so I shall take a step back and start over.
Summer has fallen past the middle peak and is beginning to fall to the other side. School is all to quickly approaching. This isn't the normal schools approaching either. It's not like all the other years, simply a step closer to the end, it is the last step before the end. The end of the first part of my education, the beginning of forever.
I will not often admit this to anyone, but I don't imagine many people will read this, and the ones that do will be the ones that don't care, but I'm TERRIFIED. I lay awake at night in fear of whats to come, of decisions that I have to make this year in order to not regret it for the rest of my life.
How am I suppose to know what I'm suppose to want to do for the rest of my LIFE? Am I suppose to have some calling? Music.. MUSIC! I love music. It's the only thing that I can imagine doing FOREVER! Some days that doesn't sit in me though, I get a feeling that I've got it all wrong, but what do I have all wrong. Is it wrong that I want to follow music? Am I supposed to do something more, something less?
I Wish I could jump years in the future. I know that I'll miss these years, and that I'll want it back and all, or so I'm told, but I don't enjoy being this age most days. The uncertainty is brutal. I don't have control of my life. I try, but the truth is I don't know what to do with it. I fear being expected to know something that life hasn't taught me yet.
I used to hold myself on a pedestal of wisdom. I believe now any true wise person would laugh at that and tell me that's impossible. It is, I promise. If you know you're wise... then you can't be, you're missing something... I was missing a lot that life has given me this past year and a half. One of the things that I've learned.. is how much I'm missing. I have nothing. I go into this world with nothing to offer. I know you're not suppose to say that, you're suppose to praise yourself, and make yourself look like the biggest and the best. Market yourself for colleges, for jobs. I find that insanely difficult when I know that's it's not the truth. Not saying I'm not a grand array of awesomeness, but lets be honest, there are far more awesome arrays in this world, why should I be glorified? What's so special about me?
As I go into my senior year I fear it not being what I've worked all these years to make it. I'm not the biggest and the best, I'm not the prettiest girl in the school, and I most definitely don't have the most friends, (though I do think I have the best.)
All that I am in this school is being more than threatened. With understandable reasoning... most of the time, but it doesn't change the fact that this is the year that I've been looking and wishing for. I feel most days that something in the universe enjoys to twist things I love so that it's as difficult as it could be. In ways that I know it won't work.
I know I'm being overly dramatic, don't get me wrong. This is my brain freaking out, with out any logic that i force on it.
I know I have it good, and I have no room to complain, but I am.
Everything has been from socially threatened to emotionally, to straight up "will it be possible next year" threatened.
It's stressful and scary. I just wish that I could instill in people the will to care about anything other than themselves. To put effort into a program, or to step off of their "hey I'm the best, you're dirt, I'm just here because I have to be" or "because I'm paid to be" platforms and have empathy for those around them, I know that won't happen. It's not our culture. our culture is "fend for myself, I don't care who I take down as long as I'm on top." It's sickening actually.
I can't change the minds of others though. I can hardly change the mind of me!
I'm so scared to start the next stage of my life. I don't know what the road holds, I don't know what school I'll end up at, or where I'll live. Back in the day of knowing nothing but thinking I knew everything I would say I just have this feeling... Well... I've had ALOT of "feelings" Which ones are THE feelings though? What do I love to do? Do I want to go out on a limb to do something different? Shoot, I've played with the idea of skipping the school stage and forging my own way... that was shot down all to soon though... soo off to college I will be after I make WAY to many decisions this year.
To know that this is only the beginning as well.. ughh!!
I have so much I've already failed to do. There's so much more life for me to miss as it passes by. I'm afraid. I know everything I do will effect me for now and forever... So of course I'm worrying about it, and trying to make the best of it that I can, but I fear that worrying about it will close my eyes to whats happening now. Even as I write this blog is there a beautiful unicorn prancing about my living room that I will lift my eyes to look at when I'm done writing this sentence only to see it's droppings on the carpet, but no more unicorn. Yes, I will... But how was I suppose to know there was a unicorn in the room? If I were looking at the unicorn I would have had to pause my writing... and gone back to it, only to miss the llama that curled up at my feet seconds later.
I'm not sure where to take that anymore.. If you don't understand I'm sorry. If you do, please become my new best friend.
There are so many things to worry about. I worry about worrying about them, I worry about not worrying about them, and forgetting about them. I worry about worrying about the wrong thing, or not knowing what to worry about. I worry about if I got the right erasers for school, I worry about the Orcs killing Frodo!!!
I worry if I'll make the right college choice, I worry if I make the right friend choices.. I worry about falling in love, about getting an A, about being lied to, about being immature, about complaining. I worry that people will find me fickle and prude. I worry about being fickle and scandalous.
I worry about everything. I believe it's a disease. Not really... But I do believe that I worry an insane amount. Insanely to much actually.
I can see, and feel that the worrying will only increase with this coming year. I fear that it will Paralyze me. That I won't be able to enjoy being in Band this year, because I'm worried for it, and for my heart. I worry for the play, that all the years will fall to the side out of necessity for the show. I fear I won't be able to enjoy learning, with the stress of the work. I won't be able to afford my senior year, with the job I don't have...
I'm afraid my heart mixing with my fears, mixing with my drive, mixing with me will do nothing more than crash into a painful mess of a senior year. That I can not gracefully enter, and can't wait to exit..
I want to enjoy my senior year. I want to slightly long for high school to never end until I have my feet solid in the next stage of life; but thats not where I'm finding myself. I'm finding myself wanting to take three big steps past this year, and a couple more after until I'm firmly planted somewhere, or KNOW that I will never be firmly planted anywhere....
Oh well... gotta suck it up and keep trucking.
Keeping an eye on the road, and another on the rainbow in the sky.
That's all beside the point that I was planning on making when I began writing this though... so I shall take a step back and start over.
Summer has fallen past the middle peak and is beginning to fall to the other side. School is all to quickly approaching. This isn't the normal schools approaching either. It's not like all the other years, simply a step closer to the end, it is the last step before the end. The end of the first part of my education, the beginning of forever.
I will not often admit this to anyone, but I don't imagine many people will read this, and the ones that do will be the ones that don't care, but I'm TERRIFIED. I lay awake at night in fear of whats to come, of decisions that I have to make this year in order to not regret it for the rest of my life.
How am I suppose to know what I'm suppose to want to do for the rest of my LIFE? Am I suppose to have some calling? Music.. MUSIC! I love music. It's the only thing that I can imagine doing FOREVER! Some days that doesn't sit in me though, I get a feeling that I've got it all wrong, but what do I have all wrong. Is it wrong that I want to follow music? Am I supposed to do something more, something less?
I Wish I could jump years in the future. I know that I'll miss these years, and that I'll want it back and all, or so I'm told, but I don't enjoy being this age most days. The uncertainty is brutal. I don't have control of my life. I try, but the truth is I don't know what to do with it. I fear being expected to know something that life hasn't taught me yet.
I used to hold myself on a pedestal of wisdom. I believe now any true wise person would laugh at that and tell me that's impossible. It is, I promise. If you know you're wise... then you can't be, you're missing something... I was missing a lot that life has given me this past year and a half. One of the things that I've learned.. is how much I'm missing. I have nothing. I go into this world with nothing to offer. I know you're not suppose to say that, you're suppose to praise yourself, and make yourself look like the biggest and the best. Market yourself for colleges, for jobs. I find that insanely difficult when I know that's it's not the truth. Not saying I'm not a grand array of awesomeness, but lets be honest, there are far more awesome arrays in this world, why should I be glorified? What's so special about me?
As I go into my senior year I fear it not being what I've worked all these years to make it. I'm not the biggest and the best, I'm not the prettiest girl in the school, and I most definitely don't have the most friends, (though I do think I have the best.)
All that I am in this school is being more than threatened. With understandable reasoning... most of the time, but it doesn't change the fact that this is the year that I've been looking and wishing for. I feel most days that something in the universe enjoys to twist things I love so that it's as difficult as it could be. In ways that I know it won't work.
I know I'm being overly dramatic, don't get me wrong. This is my brain freaking out, with out any logic that i force on it.
I know I have it good, and I have no room to complain, but I am.
Everything has been from socially threatened to emotionally, to straight up "will it be possible next year" threatened.
It's stressful and scary. I just wish that I could instill in people the will to care about anything other than themselves. To put effort into a program, or to step off of their "hey I'm the best, you're dirt, I'm just here because I have to be" or "because I'm paid to be" platforms and have empathy for those around them, I know that won't happen. It's not our culture. our culture is "fend for myself, I don't care who I take down as long as I'm on top." It's sickening actually.
I can't change the minds of others though. I can hardly change the mind of me!
I'm so scared to start the next stage of my life. I don't know what the road holds, I don't know what school I'll end up at, or where I'll live. Back in the day of knowing nothing but thinking I knew everything I would say I just have this feeling... Well... I've had ALOT of "feelings" Which ones are THE feelings though? What do I love to do? Do I want to go out on a limb to do something different? Shoot, I've played with the idea of skipping the school stage and forging my own way... that was shot down all to soon though... soo off to college I will be after I make WAY to many decisions this year.
To know that this is only the beginning as well.. ughh!!
I have so much I've already failed to do. There's so much more life for me to miss as it passes by. I'm afraid. I know everything I do will effect me for now and forever... So of course I'm worrying about it, and trying to make the best of it that I can, but I fear that worrying about it will close my eyes to whats happening now. Even as I write this blog is there a beautiful unicorn prancing about my living room that I will lift my eyes to look at when I'm done writing this sentence only to see it's droppings on the carpet, but no more unicorn. Yes, I will... But how was I suppose to know there was a unicorn in the room? If I were looking at the unicorn I would have had to pause my writing... and gone back to it, only to miss the llama that curled up at my feet seconds later.
I'm not sure where to take that anymore.. If you don't understand I'm sorry. If you do, please become my new best friend.
There are so many things to worry about. I worry about worrying about them, I worry about not worrying about them, and forgetting about them. I worry about worrying about the wrong thing, or not knowing what to worry about. I worry about if I got the right erasers for school, I worry about the Orcs killing Frodo!!!
I worry if I'll make the right college choice, I worry if I make the right friend choices.. I worry about falling in love, about getting an A, about being lied to, about being immature, about complaining. I worry that people will find me fickle and prude. I worry about being fickle and scandalous.
I worry about everything. I believe it's a disease. Not really... But I do believe that I worry an insane amount. Insanely to much actually.
I can see, and feel that the worrying will only increase with this coming year. I fear that it will Paralyze me. That I won't be able to enjoy being in Band this year, because I'm worried for it, and for my heart. I worry for the play, that all the years will fall to the side out of necessity for the show. I fear I won't be able to enjoy learning, with the stress of the work. I won't be able to afford my senior year, with the job I don't have...
I'm afraid my heart mixing with my fears, mixing with my drive, mixing with me will do nothing more than crash into a painful mess of a senior year. That I can not gracefully enter, and can't wait to exit..
I want to enjoy my senior year. I want to slightly long for high school to never end until I have my feet solid in the next stage of life; but thats not where I'm finding myself. I'm finding myself wanting to take three big steps past this year, and a couple more after until I'm firmly planted somewhere, or KNOW that I will never be firmly planted anywhere....
Oh well... gotta suck it up and keep trucking.
Keeping an eye on the road, and another on the rainbow in the sky.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Walking Dream
I went for a walk. Twas a lovely walk; a wandering around my neighborhood. I started out with the sun beginning to peak through the clouds, and sink towards the western sky.
The Clouds over my head darkened, while the clouds in front of me split for the sun to sink, like the splitting of the crowd for royalty.
Rain begins to fall from the pinkening sky. Cooling my warm skin.
I've found my walks the perfect place to have my own moments to not think a thing. To put my right earbud in and listen to the world through my left ear. To watch the world pass by with my eyes, and the story of my mind with my heart.
I just let my mind play in ways that it can't do except for the times that I'm walking, and wandering the neighborhood I'd know blind. The houses I grew up knowing, skipping over the marks on the road I've always known, while watching memories pass through my mind like a movie. Memories of walking with my mom, or riding my bike with my sisters. Memories of a familiar male face under the starry dark sky; Halloween with trailers of family, then friends dressed up more than they ever had in their "childhood" years.
Whether my mind plays romantic scenes on the streets for me to watch, wandering with prince charming as he pours poetry into my ears. Or maybe it plays something more morbid and dark. Usually, it's something more somber and twisted. Leaving me in a fairly fragile mood for moments after a return home, but builds me up more, when I am able to gracefully pull myself back into reality.
The most thinking occurs while not thinking at all. The truth of your wishes and desires form with out thoughts and knowledge to intervene. Feelings with music mesh with the consistent padder of your feet, this foot in front of that, that infront of this; until they become a Beautiful Walking Dream.
The Clouds over my head darkened, while the clouds in front of me split for the sun to sink, like the splitting of the crowd for royalty.
Rain begins to fall from the pinkening sky. Cooling my warm skin.
I've found my walks the perfect place to have my own moments to not think a thing. To put my right earbud in and listen to the world through my left ear. To watch the world pass by with my eyes, and the story of my mind with my heart.
I just let my mind play in ways that it can't do except for the times that I'm walking, and wandering the neighborhood I'd know blind. The houses I grew up knowing, skipping over the marks on the road I've always known, while watching memories pass through my mind like a movie. Memories of walking with my mom, or riding my bike with my sisters. Memories of a familiar male face under the starry dark sky; Halloween with trailers of family, then friends dressed up more than they ever had in their "childhood" years.
Whether my mind plays romantic scenes on the streets for me to watch, wandering with prince charming as he pours poetry into my ears. Or maybe it plays something more morbid and dark. Usually, it's something more somber and twisted. Leaving me in a fairly fragile mood for moments after a return home, but builds me up more, when I am able to gracefully pull myself back into reality.
The most thinking occurs while not thinking at all. The truth of your wishes and desires form with out thoughts and knowledge to intervene. Feelings with music mesh with the consistent padder of your feet, this foot in front of that, that infront of this; until they become a Beautiful Walking Dream.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Beauty and Art
To take a brush in your hands and place it onto a paper, and to create Art. To move lines, and add layers. Painting is the act of taking a picture of your heart. Taking more than just an image, it takes feeling and skill, each line that is drawn, or splotch that is formed is tied to the memory that was being created.
It takes the human hand to move the brush. Your own energy to create the memory. They say a picture says a thousand words. Well a painting says more than words. It says feelings and emotion; puts the language of thought into picture. It's an image of something unreal, but solid in the realm of thought. Space and time captivated as one, thought and space, simply the same aspect.
Close your eyes and create something great. Open your eyes and add something for the world to see. True beauty can't be shared though solidity, it must be felt, a movement in the mind that words can't form. An image of the soul, that can't be seen with eyes. True Beauty is in the arts. The beauty is not in the colors you see, the people that are there, or notes being played, it is past that aspect, it is in the heart. It is what you can feel, what it brings into the mind that simply lacks ways of being shared with the neighbor next to you.
Beauty isn't in the words being written, it not the black and white of the pages in the book, it is the flow of the colors between the words, creating the image in the mind, the picture being painted with the brush of thought. The feeling that it gives, and the space past the physical that it is able to fill.
Beauty is the Art. Beauty is the Depth. Beauty is in the Heart. It's past your eyes and ears; It is simply in a realm of it's own.
It takes the human hand to move the brush. Your own energy to create the memory. They say a picture says a thousand words. Well a painting says more than words. It says feelings and emotion; puts the language of thought into picture. It's an image of something unreal, but solid in the realm of thought. Space and time captivated as one, thought and space, simply the same aspect.
Close your eyes and create something great. Open your eyes and add something for the world to see. True beauty can't be shared though solidity, it must be felt, a movement in the mind that words can't form. An image of the soul, that can't be seen with eyes. True Beauty is in the arts. The beauty is not in the colors you see, the people that are there, or notes being played, it is past that aspect, it is in the heart. It is what you can feel, what it brings into the mind that simply lacks ways of being shared with the neighbor next to you.
Beauty isn't in the words being written, it not the black and white of the pages in the book, it is the flow of the colors between the words, creating the image in the mind, the picture being painted with the brush of thought. The feeling that it gives, and the space past the physical that it is able to fill.
Beauty is the Art. Beauty is the Depth. Beauty is in the Heart. It's past your eyes and ears; It is simply in a realm of it's own.
Canada
"I will name you Elizabeth!" A girl says into her palm. With an enthusiastic toss the little rock, now names Elizabeth flies out of her hand into Lake Huron.
Little Elizabeth was not set free. She got washed away deep into the Lake when she bumped into a fish.
Afraid to be rude the little fish introduced himself, "Hi!" he says, "my name is Fishy. What's your name?"
Elizabeth was slightly thrown ascrew by fishy's quesstion. She had never had a name before the girl on the beach named her. She was very excited she now had a name to tell Fishy. "My name is Elizabeth!" she stated enthusiastically, "Do you want to be friends Fishy?"
"Yea!" replied Fishy, "Lets be best friends Elizabeth!"
"Best friends to the end!" the began chanting together. "Best friends to the end!"
Fishy and Elizabeth were best friends to the end of forever!
The End. :)
Little Elizabeth was not set free. She got washed away deep into the Lake when she bumped into a fish.
Afraid to be rude the little fish introduced himself, "Hi!" he says, "my name is Fishy. What's your name?"
Elizabeth was slightly thrown ascrew by fishy's quesstion. She had never had a name before the girl on the beach named her. She was very excited she now had a name to tell Fishy. "My name is Elizabeth!" she stated enthusiastically, "Do you want to be friends Fishy?"
"Yea!" replied Fishy, "Lets be best friends Elizabeth!"
"Best friends to the end!" the began chanting together. "Best friends to the end!"
Fishy and Elizabeth were best friends to the end of forever!
The End. :)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Moments
My eyes open to the sun, and the wind blowing my hair in the soft wind about me. My toes sink into the sand; heat pulses through my veins; and the sun beats on my shoulders, slowly pinkening my skin. My ears pull in the song of the waves. My eyes draw in the beauty of the water, and the natural towers of sand, as seagulls soar in the air. All in a moment, as the darkness gracefully returns.
The black of my eyelids is replaced by the sparkling black or the night sky. The stars are decorating the earths ceiling. A cool breeze sneaks into the sleeves of my autumn jacket, chilling my skin in a sweet nostalgic way. The light from the window dances on the drifting red leaves of the old maple tree, as I listen to creaking of the swing. I pull my knees to me and trace the Big Dipper between the trees. In that moment, as I blink it way.
Opening my eyes I find the sun sneeking through the branches; lighting pedistals of beauty: a moss covered stone, a dragonfly fluttering over a babbling creek, or web set to snare it's distracted prey. I hear the buzzing of the instects, and the hum of fluttering birds over the water rushing through the rapids. I push my feet into the soft ground, twisting the grass between my toes as I lean against a tree in the midafternoon for a moment, closing my eyes to drift into a sleep, with dreams of more moments, more beauty, and more wonders than can be held in my heart.
The black of my eyelids is replaced by the sparkling black or the night sky. The stars are decorating the earths ceiling. A cool breeze sneaks into the sleeves of my autumn jacket, chilling my skin in a sweet nostalgic way. The light from the window dances on the drifting red leaves of the old maple tree, as I listen to creaking of the swing. I pull my knees to me and trace the Big Dipper between the trees. In that moment, as I blink it way.
Opening my eyes I find the sun sneeking through the branches; lighting pedistals of beauty: a moss covered stone, a dragonfly fluttering over a babbling creek, or web set to snare it's distracted prey. I hear the buzzing of the instects, and the hum of fluttering birds over the water rushing through the rapids. I push my feet into the soft ground, twisting the grass between my toes as I lean against a tree in the midafternoon for a moment, closing my eyes to drift into a sleep, with dreams of more moments, more beauty, and more wonders than can be held in my heart.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Art, Soul, and Body
I am sitting on the edge of my seat. Awaiting the beginning to the start.
Waiting for the season to begin. For the rush of the feild to be back into my blood. Preforming for a crowd that did not come simply to see me, but yet, still waits anxiously for the art of both music and movement to captivate the next ten minutes of their life. The ten minutes that had been prepared for months. That could crumble or fly without warning. The intensity of the danger in the art, and the humiliation in a mistake.
Waiting for the feel of the wooden floor below my feet and the red curtain in front of me. The burn of the lights on my face, and the feel of the paint on my skin. Preforming for the audience that willing hands the fate of the next two hours into our hands. Hands that have worked for months, in mornings and at nights. Put on a face, to talk to other faces, and to show the world we can be more than the people that they have seen us to be. To share a story, to share a tear. To show love and hate in ways people see as laughter and art.
Waiting to be a part of one unit that needs the others in the unit to function together. Working together to push towards a master piece that will be displayed for many souls. Having all eyes on you. All knowing if you make a mistake, a wrong step, and off note, a crack, a slip, a fall. A complete and utter fail.
Waiting for the pressure of the performance, the beauty of the art, the power of the music, and the truth of the story.
Waiting for the season to begin. For the rush of the feild to be back into my blood. Preforming for a crowd that did not come simply to see me, but yet, still waits anxiously for the art of both music and movement to captivate the next ten minutes of their life. The ten minutes that had been prepared for months. That could crumble or fly without warning. The intensity of the danger in the art, and the humiliation in a mistake.
Waiting for the feel of the wooden floor below my feet and the red curtain in front of me. The burn of the lights on my face, and the feel of the paint on my skin. Preforming for the audience that willing hands the fate of the next two hours into our hands. Hands that have worked for months, in mornings and at nights. Put on a face, to talk to other faces, and to show the world we can be more than the people that they have seen us to be. To share a story, to share a tear. To show love and hate in ways people see as laughter and art.
Waiting to be a part of one unit that needs the others in the unit to function together. Working together to push towards a master piece that will be displayed for many souls. Having all eyes on you. All knowing if you make a mistake, a wrong step, and off note, a crack, a slip, a fall. A complete and utter fail.
Waiting for the pressure of the performance, the beauty of the art, the power of the music, and the truth of the story.
The beginning.
A story, or a journal. Thoughts or a plot. Characters or people. I can't seem to decide, but I'm going to write in this blog. I'm going to put together a collaboration of words, my words. With stories, with plots. With thoughts and with prayers. My hope is someday this blog will be able to be read by anyone who wishes to open it up. Less personal than a journal, but more human than a story.
It scares me the variety of depths this has the potential to have. The consistancy of it will be insane, No one will follow a word, but I hope the will follow amusement.
I you dare to be brave, follow my words and thoughts as I fight for the diligence to start, continue, and in a sense finish this project I'm sure few are to see.
It scares me the variety of depths this has the potential to have. The consistancy of it will be insane, No one will follow a word, but I hope the will follow amusement.
I you dare to be brave, follow my words and thoughts as I fight for the diligence to start, continue, and in a sense finish this project I'm sure few are to see.
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