I feel as though I'm being trapped in a box with the walls thickly weaved with Love. In every direction there is some form of someone loving me stopping me from doing something that I want to do, or trying to break free.
All my life I've seen Graduation as a time to heal my clipped wings and learn to fly, but now that high school is coming to an end I feel like that's the polar opposite of what is happening. My clipped wings don't seem to be healing, they seem to be scarring and growing heavier. They aren't lifting me high above the horizon, they're anchoring me to only what I've known.
My heart is telling me that there's a world beyond what I can see, new planes to discover, new people to meet, but my life, that love that is surrounding me is putting up walls that block out the new sun that I have yet to see. The Love that's protecting me is shielding my eyes from the stars I've yet to count. There are friends in the world whose names I'm yet to learn, love in the lands I am yet to experience, and stories that as still to be written.
But there's a box that's pushing the day of my beginning far from the day of the ending that is to come. A box that is loving.. a box that is stiffling me.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Dearest Dream,
Walk, hike and climb, through the trees you know so well, you'll find your safe haven, silence your artificial melodies and leave your ties to the world behind.
Then just keep walking, and walking,until you don't recognize the songs the birds sing. then run. Run until the trees have an enchanted glow so strong you can feel them in the inner most cores of your bones. Close your eyes. Feel the trees all around, see them with your minds eye.
Take a step into the depth of the world you just discovered. That's when you'll see it. a dream catcher. So delicately woven with silken thread, created to catch the most fragile of dreams, the the sweetest memories of the subconscious. Fear not it's majestic shimmer, take it in the palm of your hand, don't hesitate, it's our last chance. Hold it to your heart. Hold it, press it to you until it becomes a part of you, a vibrant emblem on your chest. Cleanse your soul with a deep sigh and jump.
What you'll see you've never seen before. All the precious dreams of ones before flying past you, let them, please let them fly. You'll see yourself small broken and falling. Fall, please fall. When you see me know I'll catch you I'll put you back together. Each piece of you will lay as it should. Except your heart. I've been saving mine. You can have it, if I can have yours.
Open your eyes when you feel my familiar lips on yours, and you can take my hand and I'll take you through the door, for I've found it.
The world I told you of, the one in my dreams, just over from ours, where your heart can beat in me, and mine in you. Where our souls can embrace, and our hearts clasp. My kiss will be a shameless sensation, sweeter than you ever knew, all for you my dear.
Please come, please hurry. As wonderful as this world is, it's only dark and scary without you. I grow cold as I wait. Come, warm me with your touch. I miss you. Please darling, love can be ours if you close your eyes and jump into this dream with me. This more than marvelous dream of ours.
Love,
Your Dreamer.
Then just keep walking, and walking,until you don't recognize the songs the birds sing. then run. Run until the trees have an enchanted glow so strong you can feel them in the inner most cores of your bones. Close your eyes. Feel the trees all around, see them with your minds eye.
Take a step into the depth of the world you just discovered. That's when you'll see it. a dream catcher. So delicately woven with silken thread, created to catch the most fragile of dreams, the the sweetest memories of the subconscious. Fear not it's majestic shimmer, take it in the palm of your hand, don't hesitate, it's our last chance. Hold it to your heart. Hold it, press it to you until it becomes a part of you, a vibrant emblem on your chest. Cleanse your soul with a deep sigh and jump.
What you'll see you've never seen before. All the precious dreams of ones before flying past you, let them, please let them fly. You'll see yourself small broken and falling. Fall, please fall. When you see me know I'll catch you I'll put you back together. Each piece of you will lay as it should. Except your heart. I've been saving mine. You can have it, if I can have yours.
Open your eyes when you feel my familiar lips on yours, and you can take my hand and I'll take you through the door, for I've found it.
The world I told you of, the one in my dreams, just over from ours, where your heart can beat in me, and mine in you. Where our souls can embrace, and our hearts clasp. My kiss will be a shameless sensation, sweeter than you ever knew, all for you my dear.
Please come, please hurry. As wonderful as this world is, it's only dark and scary without you. I grow cold as I wait. Come, warm me with your touch. I miss you. Please darling, love can be ours if you close your eyes and jump into this dream with me. This more than marvelous dream of ours.
Love,
Your Dreamer.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
What I learned in 2010
You need not a handsome hand to hold to be all that you can be.
Alls complete and Beautiful in everything you see.
Your worth is not what they're eyes can see upon your face.
It's how you take this life and how you win the race.
They don't have to hand you pretty words to make your day.
For there's little value in anything they say.
There is more to you than eyes dare to behold.
You are a story that's waiting to be told.
If you stand with your own two feet firmly on the ground.
Your strength and power will conquer everyone around.
Alls complete and Beautiful in everything you see.
Your worth is not what they're eyes can see upon your face.
It's how you take this life and how you win the race.
They don't have to hand you pretty words to make your day.
For there's little value in anything they say.
There is more to you than eyes dare to behold.
You are a story that's waiting to be told.
If you stand with your own two feet firmly on the ground.
Your strength and power will conquer everyone around.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Change
Today... was a hard day.
Today I did not have a beautiful rehearsal to look forward to, I do not feel an anticipation for the year to come. I can not make plans for myself and my friends. My plans are my own.
Today I did not go out for a lovely walk under the stars, I did not share a delicious cup of hot cocoa. I did not eat fast food on a random craving.
Today I did not pour out my heart to my heart. I did not turn a page in my emotions and my maturity.
Today... was a much better day.
Today I healed my heart, rather than broke it. I raked through truths, rather than lived in lies.
Today I cried with a friend, I laughed with a friend. I let our hearts break together. We let ourselves say goodbye together.
Today I collected pieces of my life, rather than create more pieces to collect.
A lot can change in a year. A lot has changed in a year. To look back to this day in that year, it has a different feel. I know that this day in the year to come will be a day that I will have to embrace as the plans for that day can't be fathomed.
So much can change in a year, I know that changes that have passed can't stand beside the changes to come.
All that change is, all that change is going to be.. Yet somethings really will never change, Somethings I hope never change. Somethings I know I will look back on break when I see they have changed.
I can't fathom change. I can't wait for change. I can't look to change. I can't resist change.
Change is coming, Change is in the air.
Today I did not have a beautiful rehearsal to look forward to, I do not feel an anticipation for the year to come. I can not make plans for myself and my friends. My plans are my own.
Today I did not go out for a lovely walk under the stars, I did not share a delicious cup of hot cocoa. I did not eat fast food on a random craving.
Today I did not pour out my heart to my heart. I did not turn a page in my emotions and my maturity.
Today... was a much better day.
Today I healed my heart, rather than broke it. I raked through truths, rather than lived in lies.
Today I cried with a friend, I laughed with a friend. I let our hearts break together. We let ourselves say goodbye together.
Today I collected pieces of my life, rather than create more pieces to collect.
A lot can change in a year. A lot has changed in a year. To look back to this day in that year, it has a different feel. I know that this day in the year to come will be a day that I will have to embrace as the plans for that day can't be fathomed.
So much can change in a year, I know that changes that have passed can't stand beside the changes to come.
All that change is, all that change is going to be.. Yet somethings really will never change, Somethings I hope never change. Somethings I know I will look back on break when I see they have changed.
I can't fathom change. I can't wait for change. I can't look to change. I can't resist change.
Change is coming, Change is in the air.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The Sound of Music.
It's the last week of my senior musical.
I've done every Musical since 7th grade.
These musicals are how I met my best friends.
I Don't knwo where I would be if it weren't for these musicals.
Each year, it teaches me something more. It teaches me how to budget my time, how convey a story, how to be someone else, how to be myself, how to be proud of all I am.
I have myself almost in tears as I write this. I know by the end I will probably flood the keyboard I'm typing on.
I from Annie to the Sound of Music. These years of acting and songs have nothing but blessed all that I am.
The musical has always been the highlight of my year. Starting each year with excitment, and a feeling of accomplishment.
I can just feel it now, The feeling of the lights as the curtain opens. The Rush of knowing the whole rooms eyes are on me as I sing to them as the story progresses.
To sing and dance. Convey passion, pain and joy to the audience.
This is my last year. I have finally figured out the system of the stage, I have the feel of that floor, those lights, that room in my blood. And this is my last year I will preform on that stage. That dear small, but beautiful stage.
This is the last year that I will act with those friends that I have been acting with for 6 years now.... We have been just a team. Working hard to get to where we are. I can just feel the excitment of my sophomore year. The Year we were the underdogs. We were places parall to the seniors. We had alot to live up to, and did we ever live up to it!! Through the story of Fiddler on the Roof we learned to love, we learned to laugh. We said good bye. We shed tears, and we looked forward to that year in the future when it would be our show. When we would rule that cast. Our Senior show, it seemed so far away, sooo special. But now it's here. We're running the show like we thought we would. Putting it all together, getting little sleep to make sure we have everything, and enjoying every second of it.
It will soon be over though.. I can't wrap my mind around it. Before I know it we will be standing on that stage taking a bow. Tears running down our cheeks as we not only say good bye to Austria as The Van Trapp family, but also to the Musicals.
The Musical.... These musicals have made me who I am today.
I get to go up there and be Liesl Van Trapp, with my family. Not just my Van Trapp family, but my musical family. We have sung and danced together, fought and cried, laughed and loved together. It's been amazing. I love you all with every ounce of myself.
Thinking about annie, my mind is baffled, I was the little one, that looked up to all the seniors. The Seniors I remember soo well that probably don't even knwo who I am anymore.
Going back to Joseph, OH! I learned sooo much! I met new people! Those seventh grade boys that came up behind us! How amazing they are! Those voices!
Music man, we were beginning to leave our mark. Fightign to grow our parts, our passion. Putting so much time and energy! Forming friendships.
Dearest Fiddler. We were the underdogs. The cast that was supposed to be the weak link. We were all young, Mostly freshman and sophomores. I almost didn't do fiddler. I thank the lord that I did. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't. I was Yente! I babbling Old lady with an amazing Senior double to help me through.
Junior year was Babes in Arms. I learned to be myself. I learned to love. It was an amazing year! I wonderful show. I fought many battles, overcame soo many things. Babes in Arms.
Sound of Music. This show has been unlike any other show. But it has been amazing. I get to act with my best friends, side by side. In a family. I get to act and sing with a my nazi. A dear friend, that is a dear friend because of the musical.
I Don't know what I would do with out any of my ''play" friends. They are amazing.
I'm Going to miss this show, and all the shows in the past. I can't believe all we've done, all we're leaving behind, and all that's to come for up. I'm sooo excited.
It will be amazing. I hope to see you there!
I've done every Musical since 7th grade.
These musicals are how I met my best friends.
I Don't knwo where I would be if it weren't for these musicals.
Each year, it teaches me something more. It teaches me how to budget my time, how convey a story, how to be someone else, how to be myself, how to be proud of all I am.
I have myself almost in tears as I write this. I know by the end I will probably flood the keyboard I'm typing on.
I from Annie to the Sound of Music. These years of acting and songs have nothing but blessed all that I am.
The musical has always been the highlight of my year. Starting each year with excitment, and a feeling of accomplishment.
I can just feel it now, The feeling of the lights as the curtain opens. The Rush of knowing the whole rooms eyes are on me as I sing to them as the story progresses.
To sing and dance. Convey passion, pain and joy to the audience.
This is my last year. I have finally figured out the system of the stage, I have the feel of that floor, those lights, that room in my blood. And this is my last year I will preform on that stage. That dear small, but beautiful stage.
This is the last year that I will act with those friends that I have been acting with for 6 years now.... We have been just a team. Working hard to get to where we are. I can just feel the excitment of my sophomore year. The Year we were the underdogs. We were places parall to the seniors. We had alot to live up to, and did we ever live up to it!! Through the story of Fiddler on the Roof we learned to love, we learned to laugh. We said good bye. We shed tears, and we looked forward to that year in the future when it would be our show. When we would rule that cast. Our Senior show, it seemed so far away, sooo special. But now it's here. We're running the show like we thought we would. Putting it all together, getting little sleep to make sure we have everything, and enjoying every second of it.
It will soon be over though.. I can't wrap my mind around it. Before I know it we will be standing on that stage taking a bow. Tears running down our cheeks as we not only say good bye to Austria as The Van Trapp family, but also to the Musicals.
The Musical.... These musicals have made me who I am today.
I get to go up there and be Liesl Van Trapp, with my family. Not just my Van Trapp family, but my musical family. We have sung and danced together, fought and cried, laughed and loved together. It's been amazing. I love you all with every ounce of myself.
Thinking about annie, my mind is baffled, I was the little one, that looked up to all the seniors. The Seniors I remember soo well that probably don't even knwo who I am anymore.
Going back to Joseph, OH! I learned sooo much! I met new people! Those seventh grade boys that came up behind us! How amazing they are! Those voices!
Music man, we were beginning to leave our mark. Fightign to grow our parts, our passion. Putting so much time and energy! Forming friendships.
Dearest Fiddler. We were the underdogs. The cast that was supposed to be the weak link. We were all young, Mostly freshman and sophomores. I almost didn't do fiddler. I thank the lord that I did. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't. I was Yente! I babbling Old lady with an amazing Senior double to help me through.
Junior year was Babes in Arms. I learned to be myself. I learned to love. It was an amazing year! I wonderful show. I fought many battles, overcame soo many things. Babes in Arms.
Sound of Music. This show has been unlike any other show. But it has been amazing. I get to act with my best friends, side by side. In a family. I get to act and sing with a my nazi. A dear friend, that is a dear friend because of the musical.
I Don't know what I would do with out any of my ''play" friends. They are amazing.
I'm Going to miss this show, and all the shows in the past. I can't believe all we've done, all we're leaving behind, and all that's to come for up. I'm sooo excited.
It will be amazing. I hope to see you there!
Monday, September 27, 2010
I can see that light.
Through tearless eyes I can finally see that light.
At the end of this tunnel.
They always told me that there was a light.
Tears always flooded my vision.
Though it's small, and hard to find,
I know now there's a light.
The dams have been built.
No rivers will flow any longer.
For they are built of callused emotions
Blessed are the days when tears don't flow,
After lessons are learned,
And when Summits have been conquered.
I shall not forget no mountain stands alone,
And strength comes with every valley left behind.
Strength that glows past the dark surrounding walls,
Lessons that light the flame for the light to burn,
It burns as I see the end of this tunnel.
I will soak in the peace of tearless days,
I will stand at the end quite Proudly.
Through tearless eyes I can finally see that light.
At the end of this tunnel.
They always told me that there was a light.
Tears always flooded my vision.
Though it's small, and hard to find,
I know now there's a light.
The dams have been built.
No rivers will flow any longer.
For they are built of callused emotions
Blessed are the days when tears don't flow,
After lessons are learned,
And when Summits have been conquered.
I shall not forget no mountain stands alone,
And strength comes with every valley left behind.
Strength that glows past the dark surrounding walls,
Lessons that light the flame for the light to burn,
It burns as I see the end of this tunnel.
I will soak in the peace of tearless days,
I will stand at the end quite Proudly.
I began to write this months ago. I found that I had not actually found the light that I was speaking of. I had found that the light did exist though. But not things don't feel quite the same as they did when I began to write this, thus the change in the voice that I see once entering the 3rd stanza.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Walking Thoughts
Thoughts I have while walking...
While I walk I play the, "whats their life like" game. I look into each car until I get distracted, first to check if I know them, then second to get a snap shot in my head of a possible life, or a favorite memory of that person. Completely made up of course.
Example, When I see an elderly couple I imagine how they might have met. They were high school sweethearts. He would swoon after her swept her off her feet, they would take walks on the beach under the lovely sunset. Maybe my mind will travel and see their big fight, she's in the bed room crying, and he's in the kitchen fuming, until they both realize no matter their problems in life they love each other, and they must make it through that fight, because they could not make it through life with out each other, and end in each others arms begging forgiveness.
After that picture snaps through my mind at lightning speed I see a daddy with a little girl, I see the first day he held his beautiful girl in his arms, and the future they will have when that daddy will give his baby girl away to the man she falls in love with.
Then my mind goes to more personal things. My heart tries to figure out it's love, and who it could love. I look all the guys I know, flying through a check list. I decide that's only depressing and I'll just close my eyes and let God surprise me with the perfect guy.
I get distracted by my music. I'm listening to Owl City.
"when we're apart whatever are you thinking of?"
I the lyrics that out of context. What are people thinking right now. All those people in my life are off doing something. They don't simply stop existing when I can't see them, they are a person that is all the time. They have thoughts just as I do, they have life, they have dreams. They are constantly doing something even if only simply breathing.
My mind settles to a gentle hum, listening to the world, watching a leaf fall, wishing for vibrant colors to paint the world, or for a snow flake to fall on my cheek. I'm done with heat and summer. I wish for winter, and the tingling of the cold on my nose, and my warm fuzzy mittens, winter coat, long sleaves, and tall socks. Hot Chocolate and Christmas, winter walks, and pink cheeks. I love winter. Winter has my heart.
I began this walk because I almost frustrated myself into tears. I took a Calculus test after school. Oh how much I love calculus. I love math. I love how you can figure it out, how this is a right and wrong, it's black and white, it is what it is, but it is something else, but it can't just be something simply because it feels like it. As much as I love Calc though, it angers me. Well no, it does not anger me, I anger me when I'm doing Calc. It has rules that make it work, almost like magic, but yet I can't remember the spells, the rules, the laws and codes.
The breezes blows the feelings of frustration and burning from my cheek bones and the front of my shoulders. Stress seeps from my pores under the burning sun. How lovely of a day the Lord has given me today. How wonderfully he has mapped my life to work in this world that he's created, organized and loved.
How wonderful. He's so sweet, I think I'll love him with my all and everything. :)
While I walk I play the, "whats their life like" game. I look into each car until I get distracted, first to check if I know them, then second to get a snap shot in my head of a possible life, or a favorite memory of that person. Completely made up of course.
Example, When I see an elderly couple I imagine how they might have met. They were high school sweethearts. He would swoon after her swept her off her feet, they would take walks on the beach under the lovely sunset. Maybe my mind will travel and see their big fight, she's in the bed room crying, and he's in the kitchen fuming, until they both realize no matter their problems in life they love each other, and they must make it through that fight, because they could not make it through life with out each other, and end in each others arms begging forgiveness.
After that picture snaps through my mind at lightning speed I see a daddy with a little girl, I see the first day he held his beautiful girl in his arms, and the future they will have when that daddy will give his baby girl away to the man she falls in love with.
Then my mind goes to more personal things. My heart tries to figure out it's love, and who it could love. I look all the guys I know, flying through a check list. I decide that's only depressing and I'll just close my eyes and let God surprise me with the perfect guy.
I get distracted by my music. I'm listening to Owl City.
"when we're apart whatever are you thinking of?"
I the lyrics that out of context. What are people thinking right now. All those people in my life are off doing something. They don't simply stop existing when I can't see them, they are a person that is all the time. They have thoughts just as I do, they have life, they have dreams. They are constantly doing something even if only simply breathing.
My mind settles to a gentle hum, listening to the world, watching a leaf fall, wishing for vibrant colors to paint the world, or for a snow flake to fall on my cheek. I'm done with heat and summer. I wish for winter, and the tingling of the cold on my nose, and my warm fuzzy mittens, winter coat, long sleaves, and tall socks. Hot Chocolate and Christmas, winter walks, and pink cheeks. I love winter. Winter has my heart.
I began this walk because I almost frustrated myself into tears. I took a Calculus test after school. Oh how much I love calculus. I love math. I love how you can figure it out, how this is a right and wrong, it's black and white, it is what it is, but it is something else, but it can't just be something simply because it feels like it. As much as I love Calc though, it angers me. Well no, it does not anger me, I anger me when I'm doing Calc. It has rules that make it work, almost like magic, but yet I can't remember the spells, the rules, the laws and codes.
The breezes blows the feelings of frustration and burning from my cheek bones and the front of my shoulders. Stress seeps from my pores under the burning sun. How lovely of a day the Lord has given me today. How wonderfully he has mapped my life to work in this world that he's created, organized and loved.
How wonderful. He's so sweet, I think I'll love him with my all and everything. :)
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