I put a desk up in my room.
I feel so big, and grown up with it in my room. I know that probably sounds completely silly, but having a place to put myself when I want to write, or when I want to read, or do my devotions. Now I will have a place to be. A place that's hidden behind my door, but not my bed, where I tend to fall asleep. I feel like my productivity will increase for this coming school year. with a station to put myself at. To work, or not to. I'll have a place to take out my sketch pad and sketch, or pull out some paints and hide while I work on making something beautiful. No TV distractions. No clock other than my phone, or computer. Things I have to diliberately look at to find the time. Where I won't be pestered. I can keep my back straight, use this desk to begin to pull myself back together. To soften the shock of the world I'm trying so hard to enter gracefully.
A Place a can either stress about entering the world, through college and such, or a place I can forget about entering college. I feel like this one singular peice of furniture is magical in so many ways. A haven of sorts. I need a haven. We all need havens. Havens show up in the strangest of places.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Day by Step; Step by Day
Life goes by day by day, whether you wish it to or not.
Each day is a step. Each person takes a step at a time.
Some days you want to stop stepping, and stay in that place in time for ever, but day by day time goes on, and stepping you continue forward.
Some days you want to skip a step or two, and leap into the days to come, but patience is demanded, and stepping, one by one, you continue on.
Some days you wish to turn, avoid what stands before you. You continue forward,only turning as sharply as time allows. brushed on the shoulder by the branches of the tragedy as step by step you walk by.
Some days you wish to take steps backwards. To go back to a lovely field you walked through, or to wander through a romantic forest. To reminis on the steps before., but you must keep moving forward, each foot in front of the other, one by one, day by day.
When you get tired of stepping, there is not stopping. No rest for your legs, and each day must continue past. You need strong arms to carry you; some to know when you really can't continue. Arms of a savior. A savior with wisdom to remind you the past is not worth returning too. A savior with eyes, that can look past the mountain you're climbing and say, "I can see it, it's beautiful." With a hand to hold as the shadows of the woods enclose around you in the middle of the night. A savior like Christ Jesus, to give you a reason to step forward, to keep moving every day.
Each day is a step. Each person takes a step at a time.
Some days you want to stop stepping, and stay in that place in time for ever, but day by day time goes on, and stepping you continue forward.
Some days you want to skip a step or two, and leap into the days to come, but patience is demanded, and stepping, one by one, you continue on.
Some days you wish to turn, avoid what stands before you. You continue forward,only turning as sharply as time allows. brushed on the shoulder by the branches of the tragedy as step by step you walk by.
Some days you wish to take steps backwards. To go back to a lovely field you walked through, or to wander through a romantic forest. To reminis on the steps before., but you must keep moving forward, each foot in front of the other, one by one, day by day.
When you get tired of stepping, there is not stopping. No rest for your legs, and each day must continue past. You need strong arms to carry you; some to know when you really can't continue. Arms of a savior. A savior with wisdom to remind you the past is not worth returning too. A savior with eyes, that can look past the mountain you're climbing and say, "I can see it, it's beautiful." With a hand to hold as the shadows of the woods enclose around you in the middle of the night. A savior like Christ Jesus, to give you a reason to step forward, to keep moving every day.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Just Breathe
Just breathe. Life isn't as complicated as they say. So it's not as perfect as in the movies. No simple romance, or a heartbreak free love story, but it will some day seem like the story you always dreamed it to be. If you promise me that you'll just breathe. Don't fret about the nights you lie awake worrying, worry in your days when you can save the world, one phone call at a time. Don't hold on to the lies, stop wishing them true. Take a step back, take a deep breath. You may not have the love of those you once did, but you have love from the people sitting around the dinner table of your life. So the ones at the party were only there to have a good time. The table is set for game night. Laughter and no false promises.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Colors
The color is purple. You tell me the color is blue. You simply "forget" to mention it's blue with a little bit of red in the mix. I believe you. You didn't lie. You're golden! No lies.
I am beginning to realize that my life is being peppered with people like this. The people that read it are not likely to realize that it is them, they really believe the color is blue, even if their eyes say purple.
They are not seen as liers. Just people that are attempting to go through their everyday life, not looking into the aspect of the other people around them, and not finding the whole truth completely necessary, because there is blue in the color.
With the whole truth they may be seen as shallow, or there may be wrong in what they're doing. It's okay though, because the color is blue.
They don't need to care if the half truths that they're telling are hurting people because the whole truth is that nothing matters but them, because this world so OBVIOUSLY revolves around them. The color is blue.
You swear the color is blue. Well, may I remind you of your promise that it'd be the color orange? Where's the yellow? I see the red, even though there is no red in blue, because you know, the color IS blue. But even if the color is blue, you promised me there'd be yellow. Yellow with red, You promised me orange. Now You tell me that it's blue, when it's so obviously purple. I know it's purple, don't deny the reds, fork over the yellows.
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. I want Orange, here's some Purple back for you.
I am beginning to realize that my life is being peppered with people like this. The people that read it are not likely to realize that it is them, they really believe the color is blue, even if their eyes say purple.
They are not seen as liers. Just people that are attempting to go through their everyday life, not looking into the aspect of the other people around them, and not finding the whole truth completely necessary, because there is blue in the color.
With the whole truth they may be seen as shallow, or there may be wrong in what they're doing. It's okay though, because the color is blue.
They don't need to care if the half truths that they're telling are hurting people because the whole truth is that nothing matters but them, because this world so OBVIOUSLY revolves around them. The color is blue.
You swear the color is blue. Well, may I remind you of your promise that it'd be the color orange? Where's the yellow? I see the red, even though there is no red in blue, because you know, the color IS blue. But even if the color is blue, you promised me there'd be yellow. Yellow with red, You promised me orange. Now You tell me that it's blue, when it's so obviously purple. I know it's purple, don't deny the reds, fork over the yellows.
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. I want Orange, here's some Purple back for you.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Senior
My thoughts today are not as abstract or twisted as they usually are. Okay, maybe that's not quite true, I have multiple times threaten to eat a persons soul, or death by SHELOB! These are not the thoughts that I choose to examine tonight though. I'm not sure if I could, they lack substance. They are exactly what you just read and nothing more, so I suppose I just did.
That's all beside the point that I was planning on making when I began writing this though... so I shall take a step back and start over.
Summer has fallen past the middle peak and is beginning to fall to the other side. School is all to quickly approaching. This isn't the normal schools approaching either. It's not like all the other years, simply a step closer to the end, it is the last step before the end. The end of the first part of my education, the beginning of forever.
I will not often admit this to anyone, but I don't imagine many people will read this, and the ones that do will be the ones that don't care, but I'm TERRIFIED. I lay awake at night in fear of whats to come, of decisions that I have to make this year in order to not regret it for the rest of my life.
How am I suppose to know what I'm suppose to want to do for the rest of my LIFE? Am I suppose to have some calling? Music.. MUSIC! I love music. It's the only thing that I can imagine doing FOREVER! Some days that doesn't sit in me though, I get a feeling that I've got it all wrong, but what do I have all wrong. Is it wrong that I want to follow music? Am I supposed to do something more, something less?
I Wish I could jump years in the future. I know that I'll miss these years, and that I'll want it back and all, or so I'm told, but I don't enjoy being this age most days. The uncertainty is brutal. I don't have control of my life. I try, but the truth is I don't know what to do with it. I fear being expected to know something that life hasn't taught me yet.
I used to hold myself on a pedestal of wisdom. I believe now any true wise person would laugh at that and tell me that's impossible. It is, I promise. If you know you're wise... then you can't be, you're missing something... I was missing a lot that life has given me this past year and a half. One of the things that I've learned.. is how much I'm missing. I have nothing. I go into this world with nothing to offer. I know you're not suppose to say that, you're suppose to praise yourself, and make yourself look like the biggest and the best. Market yourself for colleges, for jobs. I find that insanely difficult when I know that's it's not the truth. Not saying I'm not a grand array of awesomeness, but lets be honest, there are far more awesome arrays in this world, why should I be glorified? What's so special about me?
As I go into my senior year I fear it not being what I've worked all these years to make it. I'm not the biggest and the best, I'm not the prettiest girl in the school, and I most definitely don't have the most friends, (though I do think I have the best.)
All that I am in this school is being more than threatened. With understandable reasoning... most of the time, but it doesn't change the fact that this is the year that I've been looking and wishing for. I feel most days that something in the universe enjoys to twist things I love so that it's as difficult as it could be. In ways that I know it won't work.
I know I'm being overly dramatic, don't get me wrong. This is my brain freaking out, with out any logic that i force on it.
I know I have it good, and I have no room to complain, but I am.
Everything has been from socially threatened to emotionally, to straight up "will it be possible next year" threatened.
It's stressful and scary. I just wish that I could instill in people the will to care about anything other than themselves. To put effort into a program, or to step off of their "hey I'm the best, you're dirt, I'm just here because I have to be" or "because I'm paid to be" platforms and have empathy for those around them, I know that won't happen. It's not our culture. our culture is "fend for myself, I don't care who I take down as long as I'm on top." It's sickening actually.
I can't change the minds of others though. I can hardly change the mind of me!
I'm so scared to start the next stage of my life. I don't know what the road holds, I don't know what school I'll end up at, or where I'll live. Back in the day of knowing nothing but thinking I knew everything I would say I just have this feeling... Well... I've had ALOT of "feelings" Which ones are THE feelings though? What do I love to do? Do I want to go out on a limb to do something different? Shoot, I've played with the idea of skipping the school stage and forging my own way... that was shot down all to soon though... soo off to college I will be after I make WAY to many decisions this year.
To know that this is only the beginning as well.. ughh!!
I have so much I've already failed to do. There's so much more life for me to miss as it passes by. I'm afraid. I know everything I do will effect me for now and forever... So of course I'm worrying about it, and trying to make the best of it that I can, but I fear that worrying about it will close my eyes to whats happening now. Even as I write this blog is there a beautiful unicorn prancing about my living room that I will lift my eyes to look at when I'm done writing this sentence only to see it's droppings on the carpet, but no more unicorn. Yes, I will... But how was I suppose to know there was a unicorn in the room? If I were looking at the unicorn I would have had to pause my writing... and gone back to it, only to miss the llama that curled up at my feet seconds later.
I'm not sure where to take that anymore.. If you don't understand I'm sorry. If you do, please become my new best friend.
There are so many things to worry about. I worry about worrying about them, I worry about not worrying about them, and forgetting about them. I worry about worrying about the wrong thing, or not knowing what to worry about. I worry about if I got the right erasers for school, I worry about the Orcs killing Frodo!!!
I worry if I'll make the right college choice, I worry if I make the right friend choices.. I worry about falling in love, about getting an A, about being lied to, about being immature, about complaining. I worry that people will find me fickle and prude. I worry about being fickle and scandalous.
I worry about everything. I believe it's a disease. Not really... But I do believe that I worry an insane amount. Insanely to much actually.
I can see, and feel that the worrying will only increase with this coming year. I fear that it will Paralyze me. That I won't be able to enjoy being in Band this year, because I'm worried for it, and for my heart. I worry for the play, that all the years will fall to the side out of necessity for the show. I fear I won't be able to enjoy learning, with the stress of the work. I won't be able to afford my senior year, with the job I don't have...
I'm afraid my heart mixing with my fears, mixing with my drive, mixing with me will do nothing more than crash into a painful mess of a senior year. That I can not gracefully enter, and can't wait to exit..
I want to enjoy my senior year. I want to slightly long for high school to never end until I have my feet solid in the next stage of life; but thats not where I'm finding myself. I'm finding myself wanting to take three big steps past this year, and a couple more after until I'm firmly planted somewhere, or KNOW that I will never be firmly planted anywhere....
Oh well... gotta suck it up and keep trucking.
Keeping an eye on the road, and another on the rainbow in the sky.
That's all beside the point that I was planning on making when I began writing this though... so I shall take a step back and start over.
Summer has fallen past the middle peak and is beginning to fall to the other side. School is all to quickly approaching. This isn't the normal schools approaching either. It's not like all the other years, simply a step closer to the end, it is the last step before the end. The end of the first part of my education, the beginning of forever.
I will not often admit this to anyone, but I don't imagine many people will read this, and the ones that do will be the ones that don't care, but I'm TERRIFIED. I lay awake at night in fear of whats to come, of decisions that I have to make this year in order to not regret it for the rest of my life.
How am I suppose to know what I'm suppose to want to do for the rest of my LIFE? Am I suppose to have some calling? Music.. MUSIC! I love music. It's the only thing that I can imagine doing FOREVER! Some days that doesn't sit in me though, I get a feeling that I've got it all wrong, but what do I have all wrong. Is it wrong that I want to follow music? Am I supposed to do something more, something less?
I Wish I could jump years in the future. I know that I'll miss these years, and that I'll want it back and all, or so I'm told, but I don't enjoy being this age most days. The uncertainty is brutal. I don't have control of my life. I try, but the truth is I don't know what to do with it. I fear being expected to know something that life hasn't taught me yet.
I used to hold myself on a pedestal of wisdom. I believe now any true wise person would laugh at that and tell me that's impossible. It is, I promise. If you know you're wise... then you can't be, you're missing something... I was missing a lot that life has given me this past year and a half. One of the things that I've learned.. is how much I'm missing. I have nothing. I go into this world with nothing to offer. I know you're not suppose to say that, you're suppose to praise yourself, and make yourself look like the biggest and the best. Market yourself for colleges, for jobs. I find that insanely difficult when I know that's it's not the truth. Not saying I'm not a grand array of awesomeness, but lets be honest, there are far more awesome arrays in this world, why should I be glorified? What's so special about me?
As I go into my senior year I fear it not being what I've worked all these years to make it. I'm not the biggest and the best, I'm not the prettiest girl in the school, and I most definitely don't have the most friends, (though I do think I have the best.)
All that I am in this school is being more than threatened. With understandable reasoning... most of the time, but it doesn't change the fact that this is the year that I've been looking and wishing for. I feel most days that something in the universe enjoys to twist things I love so that it's as difficult as it could be. In ways that I know it won't work.
I know I'm being overly dramatic, don't get me wrong. This is my brain freaking out, with out any logic that i force on it.
I know I have it good, and I have no room to complain, but I am.
Everything has been from socially threatened to emotionally, to straight up "will it be possible next year" threatened.
It's stressful and scary. I just wish that I could instill in people the will to care about anything other than themselves. To put effort into a program, or to step off of their "hey I'm the best, you're dirt, I'm just here because I have to be" or "because I'm paid to be" platforms and have empathy for those around them, I know that won't happen. It's not our culture. our culture is "fend for myself, I don't care who I take down as long as I'm on top." It's sickening actually.
I can't change the minds of others though. I can hardly change the mind of me!
I'm so scared to start the next stage of my life. I don't know what the road holds, I don't know what school I'll end up at, or where I'll live. Back in the day of knowing nothing but thinking I knew everything I would say I just have this feeling... Well... I've had ALOT of "feelings" Which ones are THE feelings though? What do I love to do? Do I want to go out on a limb to do something different? Shoot, I've played with the idea of skipping the school stage and forging my own way... that was shot down all to soon though... soo off to college I will be after I make WAY to many decisions this year.
To know that this is only the beginning as well.. ughh!!
I have so much I've already failed to do. There's so much more life for me to miss as it passes by. I'm afraid. I know everything I do will effect me for now and forever... So of course I'm worrying about it, and trying to make the best of it that I can, but I fear that worrying about it will close my eyes to whats happening now. Even as I write this blog is there a beautiful unicorn prancing about my living room that I will lift my eyes to look at when I'm done writing this sentence only to see it's droppings on the carpet, but no more unicorn. Yes, I will... But how was I suppose to know there was a unicorn in the room? If I were looking at the unicorn I would have had to pause my writing... and gone back to it, only to miss the llama that curled up at my feet seconds later.
I'm not sure where to take that anymore.. If you don't understand I'm sorry. If you do, please become my new best friend.
There are so many things to worry about. I worry about worrying about them, I worry about not worrying about them, and forgetting about them. I worry about worrying about the wrong thing, or not knowing what to worry about. I worry about if I got the right erasers for school, I worry about the Orcs killing Frodo!!!
I worry if I'll make the right college choice, I worry if I make the right friend choices.. I worry about falling in love, about getting an A, about being lied to, about being immature, about complaining. I worry that people will find me fickle and prude. I worry about being fickle and scandalous.
I worry about everything. I believe it's a disease. Not really... But I do believe that I worry an insane amount. Insanely to much actually.
I can see, and feel that the worrying will only increase with this coming year. I fear that it will Paralyze me. That I won't be able to enjoy being in Band this year, because I'm worried for it, and for my heart. I worry for the play, that all the years will fall to the side out of necessity for the show. I fear I won't be able to enjoy learning, with the stress of the work. I won't be able to afford my senior year, with the job I don't have...
I'm afraid my heart mixing with my fears, mixing with my drive, mixing with me will do nothing more than crash into a painful mess of a senior year. That I can not gracefully enter, and can't wait to exit..
I want to enjoy my senior year. I want to slightly long for high school to never end until I have my feet solid in the next stage of life; but thats not where I'm finding myself. I'm finding myself wanting to take three big steps past this year, and a couple more after until I'm firmly planted somewhere, or KNOW that I will never be firmly planted anywhere....
Oh well... gotta suck it up and keep trucking.
Keeping an eye on the road, and another on the rainbow in the sky.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Walking Dream
I went for a walk. Twas a lovely walk; a wandering around my neighborhood. I started out with the sun beginning to peak through the clouds, and sink towards the western sky.
The Clouds over my head darkened, while the clouds in front of me split for the sun to sink, like the splitting of the crowd for royalty.
Rain begins to fall from the pinkening sky. Cooling my warm skin.
I've found my walks the perfect place to have my own moments to not think a thing. To put my right earbud in and listen to the world through my left ear. To watch the world pass by with my eyes, and the story of my mind with my heart.
I just let my mind play in ways that it can't do except for the times that I'm walking, and wandering the neighborhood I'd know blind. The houses I grew up knowing, skipping over the marks on the road I've always known, while watching memories pass through my mind like a movie. Memories of walking with my mom, or riding my bike with my sisters. Memories of a familiar male face under the starry dark sky; Halloween with trailers of family, then friends dressed up more than they ever had in their "childhood" years.
Whether my mind plays romantic scenes on the streets for me to watch, wandering with prince charming as he pours poetry into my ears. Or maybe it plays something more morbid and dark. Usually, it's something more somber and twisted. Leaving me in a fairly fragile mood for moments after a return home, but builds me up more, when I am able to gracefully pull myself back into reality.
The most thinking occurs while not thinking at all. The truth of your wishes and desires form with out thoughts and knowledge to intervene. Feelings with music mesh with the consistent padder of your feet, this foot in front of that, that infront of this; until they become a Beautiful Walking Dream.
The Clouds over my head darkened, while the clouds in front of me split for the sun to sink, like the splitting of the crowd for royalty.
Rain begins to fall from the pinkening sky. Cooling my warm skin.
I've found my walks the perfect place to have my own moments to not think a thing. To put my right earbud in and listen to the world through my left ear. To watch the world pass by with my eyes, and the story of my mind with my heart.
I just let my mind play in ways that it can't do except for the times that I'm walking, and wandering the neighborhood I'd know blind. The houses I grew up knowing, skipping over the marks on the road I've always known, while watching memories pass through my mind like a movie. Memories of walking with my mom, or riding my bike with my sisters. Memories of a familiar male face under the starry dark sky; Halloween with trailers of family, then friends dressed up more than they ever had in their "childhood" years.
Whether my mind plays romantic scenes on the streets for me to watch, wandering with prince charming as he pours poetry into my ears. Or maybe it plays something more morbid and dark. Usually, it's something more somber and twisted. Leaving me in a fairly fragile mood for moments after a return home, but builds me up more, when I am able to gracefully pull myself back into reality.
The most thinking occurs while not thinking at all. The truth of your wishes and desires form with out thoughts and knowledge to intervene. Feelings with music mesh with the consistent padder of your feet, this foot in front of that, that infront of this; until they become a Beautiful Walking Dream.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Beauty and Art
To take a brush in your hands and place it onto a paper, and to create Art. To move lines, and add layers. Painting is the act of taking a picture of your heart. Taking more than just an image, it takes feeling and skill, each line that is drawn, or splotch that is formed is tied to the memory that was being created.
It takes the human hand to move the brush. Your own energy to create the memory. They say a picture says a thousand words. Well a painting says more than words. It says feelings and emotion; puts the language of thought into picture. It's an image of something unreal, but solid in the realm of thought. Space and time captivated as one, thought and space, simply the same aspect.
Close your eyes and create something great. Open your eyes and add something for the world to see. True beauty can't be shared though solidity, it must be felt, a movement in the mind that words can't form. An image of the soul, that can't be seen with eyes. True Beauty is in the arts. The beauty is not in the colors you see, the people that are there, or notes being played, it is past that aspect, it is in the heart. It is what you can feel, what it brings into the mind that simply lacks ways of being shared with the neighbor next to you.
Beauty isn't in the words being written, it not the black and white of the pages in the book, it is the flow of the colors between the words, creating the image in the mind, the picture being painted with the brush of thought. The feeling that it gives, and the space past the physical that it is able to fill.
Beauty is the Art. Beauty is the Depth. Beauty is in the Heart. It's past your eyes and ears; It is simply in a realm of it's own.
It takes the human hand to move the brush. Your own energy to create the memory. They say a picture says a thousand words. Well a painting says more than words. It says feelings and emotion; puts the language of thought into picture. It's an image of something unreal, but solid in the realm of thought. Space and time captivated as one, thought and space, simply the same aspect.
Close your eyes and create something great. Open your eyes and add something for the world to see. True beauty can't be shared though solidity, it must be felt, a movement in the mind that words can't form. An image of the soul, that can't be seen with eyes. True Beauty is in the arts. The beauty is not in the colors you see, the people that are there, or notes being played, it is past that aspect, it is in the heart. It is what you can feel, what it brings into the mind that simply lacks ways of being shared with the neighbor next to you.
Beauty isn't in the words being written, it not the black and white of the pages in the book, it is the flow of the colors between the words, creating the image in the mind, the picture being painted with the brush of thought. The feeling that it gives, and the space past the physical that it is able to fill.
Beauty is the Art. Beauty is the Depth. Beauty is in the Heart. It's past your eyes and ears; It is simply in a realm of it's own.
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