Senior

My thoughts today are not as abstract or twisted as they usually are. Okay, maybe that's not quite true, I have multiple times threaten to eat a persons soul, or death by SHELOB! These are not the thoughts that I choose to examine tonight though. I'm not sure if I could, they lack substance. They are exactly what you just read and nothing more, so I suppose I just did.

That's all beside the point that I was planning on making when I began writing this though... so I shall take a step back and start over.

Summer has fallen past the middle peak and is beginning to fall to the other side. School is all to quickly approaching. This isn't the normal schools approaching either. It's not like all the other years, simply a step closer to the end, it is the last step before the end. The end of the first part of my education, the beginning of forever.

I will not often admit this to anyone, but I don't imagine many people will read this, and the ones that do will be the ones that don't care, but I'm TERRIFIED. I lay awake at night in fear of whats to come, of decisions that I have to make this year in order to not regret it for the rest of my life.

How am I suppose to know what I'm suppose to want to do for the rest of my LIFE? Am I suppose to have some calling? Music.. MUSIC! I love music. It's the only thing that I can imagine doing FOREVER! Some days that doesn't sit in me though, I get a feeling that I've got it all wrong, but what do I have all wrong. Is it wrong that I want to follow music? Am I supposed to do something more, something less?

I Wish I could jump years in the future. I know that I'll miss these years, and that I'll want it back and all, or so I'm told, but I don't enjoy being this age most days. The uncertainty is brutal. I don't have control of my life. I try, but the truth is I don't know what to do with it. I fear being expected to know something that life hasn't taught me yet.
I used to hold myself on a pedestal of wisdom. I believe now any true wise person would laugh at that and tell me that's impossible. It is, I promise. If you know you're wise... then you can't be, you're missing something... I was missing a lot that life has given me this past year and a half. One of the things that I've learned.. is how much I'm missing. I have nothing. I go into this world with nothing to offer. I know you're not suppose to say that, you're suppose to praise yourself, and make yourself look like the biggest and the best. Market yourself for colleges, for jobs. I find that insanely difficult when I know that's it's not the truth. Not saying I'm not a grand array of awesomeness, but lets be honest, there are far more awesome arrays in this world, why should I be glorified? What's so special about me?

As I go into my senior year I fear it not being what I've worked all these years to make it. I'm not the biggest and the best, I'm not the prettiest girl in the school, and I most definitely don't have the most friends, (though I do think I have the best.)
All that I am in this school is being more than threatened. With understandable reasoning... most of the time, but it doesn't change the fact that this is the year that I've been looking and wishing for. I feel most days that something in the universe enjoys to twist things I love so that it's as difficult as it could be. In ways that I know it won't work.
I know I'm being overly dramatic, don't get me wrong. This is my brain freaking out, with out any logic that i force on it.
I know I have it good, and I have no room to complain, but I am.
Everything has been from socially threatened to emotionally, to straight up "will it be possible next year" threatened.
It's stressful and scary. I just wish that I could instill in people the will to care about anything other than themselves. To put effort into a program, or to step off of their "hey I'm the best, you're dirt, I'm just here because I have to be" or "because I'm paid to be" platforms and have empathy for those around them, I know that won't happen. It's not our culture. our culture is "fend for myself, I don't care who I take down as long as I'm on top." It's sickening actually.
I can't change the minds of others though. I can hardly change the mind of me!

I'm so scared to start the next stage of my life. I don't know what the road holds, I don't know what school I'll end up at, or where I'll live. Back in the day of knowing nothing but thinking I knew everything I would say I just have this feeling... Well... I've had ALOT of "feelings" Which ones are THE feelings though? What do I love to do? Do I want to go out on a limb to do something different? Shoot, I've played with the idea of skipping the school stage and forging my own way... that was shot down all to soon though... soo off to college I will be after I make WAY to many decisions this year.
To know that this is only the beginning as well.. ughh!!

I have so much I've already failed to do. There's so much more life for me to miss as it passes by. I'm afraid. I know everything I do will effect me for now and forever... So of course I'm worrying about it, and trying to make the best of it that I can, but I fear that worrying about it will close my eyes to whats happening now. Even as I write this blog is there a beautiful unicorn prancing about my living room that I will lift my eyes to look at when I'm done writing this sentence only to see it's droppings on the carpet, but no more unicorn. Yes, I will... But how was I suppose to know there was a unicorn in the room? If I were looking at the unicorn I would have had to pause my writing... and gone back to it, only to miss the llama that curled up at my feet seconds later.
I'm not sure where to take that anymore.. If you don't understand I'm sorry. If you do, please become my new best friend.

There are so many things to worry about. I worry about worrying about them, I worry about not worrying about them, and forgetting about them. I worry about worrying about the wrong thing, or not knowing what to worry about. I worry about if I got the right erasers for school, I worry about the Orcs killing Frodo!!!
I worry if I'll make the right college choice, I worry if I make the right friend choices.. I worry about falling in love, about getting an A, about being lied to, about being immature, about complaining. I worry that people will find me fickle and prude. I worry about being fickle and scandalous.
I worry about everything. I believe it's a disease. Not really... But I do believe that I worry an insane amount. Insanely to much actually.

I can see, and feel that the worrying will only increase with this coming year. I fear that it will Paralyze me. That I won't be able to enjoy being in Band this year, because I'm worried for it, and for my heart. I worry for the play, that all the years will fall to the side out of necessity for the show. I fear I won't be able to enjoy learning, with the stress of the work. I won't be able to afford my senior year, with the job I don't have...
I'm afraid my heart mixing with my fears, mixing with my drive, mixing with me will do nothing more than crash into a painful mess of a senior year. That I can not gracefully enter, and can't wait to exit..
I want to enjoy my senior year. I want to slightly long for high school to never end until I have my feet solid in the next stage of life; but thats not where I'm finding myself. I'm finding myself wanting to take three big steps past this year, and a couple more after until I'm firmly planted somewhere, or KNOW that I will never be firmly planted anywhere....

Oh well... gotta suck it up and keep trucking.
Keeping an eye on the road, and another on the rainbow in the sky.